Now What?

My first day back in Minnesota was not what I had expected, but if I've learned anything these past few weeks it's that I shouldn't constantly be setting expectations. I was greeted at the airport by my mom and we were both ecstatic when we saw each other. She was the only person I had consistent contact with while I was in South Africa and I couldn’t wait to see her! We then met my dad, brother, cousin, and cousin’s 3 year old daughter for dinner at my favorite restaurant. I was asked how my trip was but I didn’t feel like this was the time or place to completely indulge them with everything that happened. I was extremely grateful to be with my family and even more grateful that everyone in my family is very healthy. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go home with them because my summer class began the next day so I made my way back to Minneapolis to see my friends.

As I drove back to Minneapolis, I began noticing and appreciating a lot more than I typically do. I had a much more relaxed and grateful feeling about me than I normally did but I also felt very sad and empty. I couldn’t help but wonder who I would be speaking to or what I would be seeing if I were in South Africa. It just simply didn’t feel right to be home. Although I was surrounded by people the moment I walked off the airplane, I felt this immense feeling of loneliness. A sense of disappointment also came over me because I didn’t share the things with my family that I had really wanted to. I didn’t want them to hear about the touristy things that we did. I wanted them to know about the things that significantly impacted me. Why did I feel that a restaurant wasn’t an appropriate place for this? Was I merely trying to provide myself with an excuse in order to protect myself from being vulnerable?  If I couldn’t share these stories and feelings with my family would I be able to share them with anyone else or even my friends?

Friends. These were the people I was most nervous about seeing because I didn’t know how to communicate my new life passions or the distress that I’ve encountered with myself and in others. I was worried that they would mistake my experiences and concerns for arrogance. I was also worried that I would fall back into my same routine with my friends. After being in South Africa, I began to truly appreciate the importance of learning and seeing new things every day. How would I incorporate this into my life when I surround myself with people that may not appreciate the same things? Before going to Guguletu, Aaron warned us not to use our community as a comfort blanket. I’m struggling with how I’m going to do this with my friends. How can they help me understand the things I saw and heard without hindering or protecting me from the emotions that I’m still struggling with?

Today was my first full day back in Minneapolis and my first day of my summer course, counseling psychology. I woke feeling exhausted even though I had slept for 10 hours and I still had a feeling of complete emptiness. I just didn’t know how to make my day useful. Then, I went to my three hour long class and I felt a slight sense of fulfillment. I remembered my desire and love for psychology! After three exhausting and emotionally testing weeks, I needed to be reminded that I can help people with psychology. I don’t need to give everyone money, food, medical assistance, homes, etc. I need to give people my ears (which is ironic because that’s what was emphasized the entire time we were in South Africa) and share the knowledge that I have in order to give people the tools to have a healthier life. The only thing I’m having a difficult time with right now is figuring out what I can do in the meantime. I’m obviously not a licensed psychologist, so I want to narrow down my focus of interest in psychology and become more involved in that. I want to start helping now because I honestly feel like a waste of a person right now since I’m not contributing to society in any major way. And this is where my challenge currently lays…now what?

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany