Now What?

My first day back in Minnesota was not what I had expected, but if I've learned anything these past few weeks it's that I shouldn't constantly be setting expectations. I was greeted at the airport by my mom and we were both ecstatic when we saw each other. She was the only person I had consistent contact with while I was in South Africa and I couldn’t wait to see her! We then met my dad, brother, cousin, and cousin’s 3 year old daughter for dinner at my favorite restaurant. I was asked how my trip was but I didn’t feel like this was the time or place to completely indulge them with everything that happened. I was extremely grateful to be with my family and even more grateful that everyone in my family is very healthy. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go home with them because my summer class began the next day so I made my way back to Minneapolis to see my friends.

As I drove back to Minneapolis, I began noticing and appreciating a lot more than I typically do. I had a much more relaxed and grateful feeling about me than I normally did but I also felt very sad and empty. I couldn’t help but wonder who I would be speaking to or what I would be seeing if I were in South Africa. It just simply didn’t feel right to be home. Although I was surrounded by people the moment I walked off the airplane, I felt this immense feeling of loneliness. A sense of disappointment also came over me because I didn’t share the things with my family that I had really wanted to. I didn’t want them to hear about the touristy things that we did. I wanted them to know about the things that significantly impacted me. Why did I feel that a restaurant wasn’t an appropriate place for this? Was I merely trying to provide myself with an excuse in order to protect myself from being vulnerable?  If I couldn’t share these stories and feelings with my family would I be able to share them with anyone else or even my friends?

Friends. These were the people I was most nervous about seeing because I didn’t know how to communicate my new life passions or the distress that I’ve encountered with myself and in others. I was worried that they would mistake my experiences and concerns for arrogance. I was also worried that I would fall back into my same routine with my friends. After being in South Africa, I began to truly appreciate the importance of learning and seeing new things every day. How would I incorporate this into my life when I surround myself with people that may not appreciate the same things? Before going to Guguletu, Aaron warned us not to use our community as a comfort blanket. I’m struggling with how I’m going to do this with my friends. How can they help me understand the things I saw and heard without hindering or protecting me from the emotions that I’m still struggling with?

Today was my first full day back in Minneapolis and my first day of my summer course, counseling psychology. I woke feeling exhausted even though I had slept for 10 hours and I still had a feeling of complete emptiness. I just didn’t know how to make my day useful. Then, I went to my three hour long class and I felt a slight sense of fulfillment. I remembered my desire and love for psychology! After three exhausting and emotionally testing weeks, I needed to be reminded that I can help people with psychology. I don’t need to give everyone money, food, medical assistance, homes, etc. I need to give people my ears (which is ironic because that’s what was emphasized the entire time we were in South Africa) and share the knowledge that I have in order to give people the tools to have a healthier life. The only thing I’m having a difficult time with right now is figuring out what I can do in the meantime. I’m obviously not a licensed psychologist, so I want to narrow down my focus of interest in psychology and become more involved in that. I want to start helping now because I honestly feel like a waste of a person right now since I’m not contributing to society in any major way. And this is where my challenge currently lays…now what?

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

Good Bye South Africa, For Now

What should I think on my last day in South Africa? I’m very excited to see family and friends but I honestly feel that after my first week home I’m going to want to get on a plane back to Cape Town. I don’t really understand how I’ve become so attached to South Africa in the three short weeks that I’ve lived here. For the last few days I’ve been coming up with excuses to come back here for an even longer amount of time. Maybe grad school, internship, job, travel? I truly fee like Cape Town is home to me now. I don’t know how I made this connection in such a short period of time, especially since we acted like tourists for over a week. I highly encourage everyone to come to South Africa at least once! And don’t just explore the tourist areas but reach a little into the townships and learn about how people really live.

I have a much greater appreciation for life after this trip and I hope that my knowledge of South Africa doesn’t end after this week. My passion of advocating for those who are unable to has been greatly heightened through this experience as well. I’ve met many people that may not even be aware of the impact they’ve had on my life and I will never forget them for that reason. I feel like there are people that I need to say good bye to but I don’t want to. I don’t want this to be the last time I see or speak to the people I’ve met here.

Alan, the supervisor of Arcadia programs in South Africa, and Jane, the project manager, have had a tremendous impact on my experience here. They were the people emailing us before our arrival in South Africa and I assumed we would meet them once or twice but I was wrong. We saw them almost daily while we were in Observatory and they made everything possible for us while we were here. They made sure we were happy and comfortable. The thing that made me the happiest was their ability to be so personal with us. I know many things about them that I would have never imagined having the privilege of knowing. I can’t thank them enough for everything they did and I hope they know they will forever be appreciated.

Although this is my last day in South Africa, I know I will be processing and reflecting on the things I’ve experienced here for a very long time. I don’t know when everything will start making sense or when I’ll understand how to incorporate these things into my life. I’ve slowly been making sense of things for the past week or two and I’m sure I will continue to do so for the next few months at least!

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

Day of Clarity!

Two things stood out to me during lecture today: presence and unique experiences. Presence was a large part of our lecture today and I was dreading it because I am HORRIBLE at it. I can’t manage to get my thoughts focused. I sat on a balcony this morning in a very peaceful and beautiful area of campus but still my mind wondered. I couldn’t just focus on the simple things in front of me. In our larger group we talked a lot more about this. I noticed that there are so many things in Minneapolis or in my every day that I miss because I don’t take the time to step out of my routines or my tunneled thoughts.

This was also the time that someone brought up that they wish they would have been more present many times last week. I completely agree. Someone then suggested that we may have become less present as a defense mechanism to decrease the harshness of reality. I completely agree with this as well. I should have been more present last week in order to get the maximum potential from this experience, but as Aaron would say, “Are you shoulding all over yourself?” Initially, while wishing I was more present, I felt really guilty and horrible for the people that shared their stories with us. This was the only thing they wanted from us. They didn’t ask for material things or food. They simply wanted our ears and minds. After thinking about it for a little bit, I went back to Aaron’s statement and realized that I need to let it go because what I was able to give at that time was the best I could do. I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop “shoulding all over myself” because that represents regrets to me and I definitely don’t want to hold any regrets in my life.

The next thing that we talked about in lecture that spiked my interest was the differences in experiences that people have. It’s obvious from reading all of our blogs that we each have had very different thoughts and experiences throughout the three weeks that we’ve been in South Africa even though we’ve all shared the same exposure to people and things. What was really interesting to me though was that there was also a missionary group working with the JL Zwane Center while we were there. We ate lunch with them one day but unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I was having a very emotional day and I was NOT feeling the idea of speaking with high schoolers about their experience in South Africa. Turns out they are staying in a condo-like place near a beach, which is most definitely not in Guguletu, and they made sure they left Gugs by 4:00 pm every day because apparently danger comes out in the dark?? Guess what kids, I survived 5 nights in Gugs and one night I even walked a block in the dark. Sorry for the hostility and sarcasm but this really upsets me. These people are going to go back to America and reinforce the thought that townships, or South Africa, are a dangerous place. As long as you’re not dumb they are safe places. Clearly the experience that we had is much different from the experience they had. (PS I’m not saying that either is experience is more meaningful, but I’d rather have my experience!)

On a side note, we went back to Gugs today for lunch an Mzoli’s! Watch out Famous Dave’s, Mzoli’s definitely has you beat! At first I was nervous to go back because I kind of just wanted to leave the experience where I left it but once we pulled into the township a wonderful feeling came over me. I actually looked at people without having pity or sadness for them. I was able to look at kids without feeling bad for them because I began to notice their smiles and laughter rather than my guilt. I felt like I had a better understanding of the culture and the people and I needed to be removed from it for a few days to appreciate that. Things are finally looking up and starting to make sense! I was looking forward to coming home but now South Africa has a piece of my heart. Hopefully it will be in my future!

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

An apple a day may or may not keep the doctor away...

I’ve been struggling with topics for a blog so far this week because last week is still weighing on my mind. Yesterday, we went to Robben Island (did you know robben means seal in Dutch?) and I thought I’d have a lot to blog about that but that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong, it was very interesting to see Nelson Mandela’s prison cell and to learn about the prison directly from an ex-prisoner. I’m just not much of a history buff and I find the issues that are currently happening in the townships are a little more interesting.

I spent 19 of the last 24 hours in bed feeling sick and numerous times I had images of the hospice patients pop into my head. Jane, our mom away from home, checked on me this morning and brought me medicine, food, and water. She reassured me that she would get me to a doctor if I wasn’t feeling better by tonight. I couldn’t help but think about the people we met last week after Jane provided me with such care. I had been sick for 12 hours and was being cared for immediately but there are people within a few miles of me that aren’t receiving care for much more serious illnesses and diseases.

I was also reminded of the problems facing South Africans when the Tutu Tester (a mobile HIV testing center) was set up near our lodge today. These tests are free and in most of the townships people are also given vouchers worth about 10 rand. It is sad to me that people need to have another incentive besides FREE tests in order to find out if they have HIV or not.  I understand that a lot of people don’t want to know because they fear how much it will cost them or they believe they are completely healthy.

I’m obviously still pondering the things I witnessed last week and trying to figure out how to make it effect my life in the most positive way possible. I know I wasn’t brought to South Africa to dwell on the sad things that occur here but I’m having a hard time moving past those sad things. I guess I have a new mission for my summer!

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

How do I make this all count?

I would like to focus on how these situations will affect me in my future, especially my near future. I haven’t given myself time to reflect on how I’ll be transitioning in these next few weeks and how I’m going to use the information I learned these last two weeks in my life. My biggest fear right now is forgetting.

I’m going to start by recapping with the day that I had the most trouble with because I’m still kind of struggling with it. The experience that stands out to me is the day we went on the hospice visits. Many emotions were brought up this day because of the people we met and circumstances that we saw. The feelings that stand out the most are anger and sadness. I wasn’t able to sort through these feelings on the day we went on the visits and I’m still not quite sure what my next move is with the information I was given that day. I know that I’ll be able to sort through these thoughts one day because I’ve already made progress in appreciating the value on presence instead of dwelling on intrusion. I finally came to the realization that we weren’t intruders in these peoples’ homes but instead we were welcomed guests that acted as a form of therapy.

Although I came to this realization, I’m still having a hard time processing the idea that many people are laying in their beds right now without the proper assistance they need for their conditions. It makes me so mad that the people I saw were only checked on every other day and they were at such a high rate of infection due to the homes they lived in. It makes me even more upset to think about this problem on a global level. How can I, as a caregiver, watch something like this happen without worrying about it? In the US I’d be able to report this to someone and it would be taken care of immediately. I know this is a different country and culture but someone still needs to be able to stand up for the rights and needs of the ill. It seems that there is no one here in charge of the lives being lost and very few people want to be held accountable for their own actions or the actions of others in regards to health. This is when I began to realize that I’m having a really hard time struggling with the transition from Guguletu to Observatory. Although I was looking forward to coming back to Observatory, I don’t know how to make this transition.

My current struggle is trying to figure out how to transition from my life in Guguletu to my life in observatory and how to transition next week back to my American life. As we went on the wine tasting tours on Saturday, I couldn’t focus on the history being thrown at me during our final tour. To me, this information was tedious and unnecessary after the week I had just encountered. I won’t remember the facts that were being thrown at me or the layout of the buildings but I will always remember the layout of the houses I entered in Guguletu and the stories shared with me. I became really frustrated with myself because I have to realize that not many things may seem as important as what I had seen in the townships but I still need to be present in what is happening around me. The things I saw were extremely devastating and I hope I’m only lucky enough to never experience those things in my personal life. I’m also facing the fear of losing touch with the experiences I had in Guguletu. Although I had many moments where I had emotional break-downs and wanted to lock myself in a room alone, I want to hold onto those moments because I feel that those moments were the times I grew the most by pushing through.

This internal struggle was heightened when we tried to enjoy a night out. All I could think about were the superficial things that I was doing, such as putting on make-up, doing my hair, and wearing a dress, while there are still people in Guguletu who aren’t eating and whose homes are being flooded during rainy days and nights. Did the people preparing my meal at the lodge have food for their own family? What were the living conditions of the street vendor that I bought a hot dog from later in the night? The part I’m having the hardest time with is figuring out how I’m going to explain the things I saw and my reactions to my friends and family. I’m afraid that they won’t understand and that because of that I may distance myself from them. I know that I have 15 people who shared this experience with me to talk to about any questions or worries I have but I also want to be able to communicate these worries with ones that are close to me.

I hope I never forget the things I witnessed in Guguletu. I hope these experiences truly impact my life in a long-lasting way. But I hope the relationships that I left at home aren’t damaged because I’m unable to readjust to my life. I need to be very conscious of my efforts to readapt to America but I hope others are also patient about my shift between cultures.

Thanks for blogging,
Brittany

School of Hope

Today was a good way to end the week. We went to Thembalethu School for Children with Special Needs. This was a very uplifting experience because the children were all so happy and the people working there were all so excited about bettering the lives of these children. It was something I really needed to see after the week that I had. I have seriously been considering relocating and continuing my graduate education in South Africa. The opportunities that have been shown to me here appear to be so rewarding.

We ended our visit with the school’s choir performing for us. If I saw any glimpse of hope during this last week it was in these kids. It’s kind of ironic that thembalethu is the Xhosa word for hope. The kids had amazing voices and began dancing during their performance, even the kids in the wheelchairs were dancing! I had a permanent smile on my face during their performance. Aside from all of the other things I’ve seen this week, this school was very well kept and they even had the tools they needed to provide the best care and help for the children.

Leaving Gugs left me with a bittersweet feeling. I was so excited to leave the tragedy and sorrow that I felt in that community but I was also very sad that I was leaving because I felt like I was abandoning the problems presented to me. I will miss the people that we met, especially my host mama and sisi, but I’m happy to be back to a place that won’t constantly remind me that I’m more privileged than a lot of people here. I will forever think of Guguletu and be appreciative of my time there.

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

Presence

Are you ready for a novel and to see a variety of emotions? I’ll briefly begin with Wednesday. We did some home visits. All 16+ of us would pile into these tiny houses and listen to the stories of people who are victims of HIV, poverty, and apartheid. Many people, including myself, struggled with a feeling of intrusion and lack of privacy. In one situation, we went into a hostile that was the size of 2 queen sized beds. I felt like I was going to a zoo and occasionally asking people questions. These people were literally on exhibit for us. These feelings were contradictory with the messages that we got from people in Gugs because they told us that our presence and ears were extremely valued by the people we met. This was a really hard struggle for me to put on the South African lens and leave behind my cultural norms.

Now Thursday. We did hospice visits and this was by far the most challenging day for me all week for numerous reasons. The first house we went to was actually a shack and there was an HIV positive woman that was bed ridden. She proceeded to tell us that she is tired of white tourists coming into her home, taking pictures of her, and making promises that they don’t follow through with. This instilled the thoughts that I had on Wednesday. This woman couldn’t move her body and her eyes were bulging out of her face like a Holocaust victim. I couldn’t be mad at this woman because of her condition so instead I placed my frustration on Aaron. I was hoping he’d be outside of the shack and that I’d be able to just scream at him. I didn’t know what to do with that experience and I didn’t understand at that time how it benefited my learning experiences. Why would this woman allow us to come into her house if she didn’t feel comfortable with us being there? I now have many perspectives on why this woman may have said the things she did. She could have just been having a horrible day and misplaced her anger on us like I wanted to misplace my anger on Aaron. She also could have just wanted to share her perspective with us to give us another view of what happens in the townships. I now understand that this woman probably didn’t mean to personally attack us or make us feel bad but rather she wanted to vent to us and inform us about her situation. Anger also came from this situation because I got really mad at all the Americans that have every travelled to areas like Guguletu and have made false promises to the people of these places. This is the one thing that we shouldn’t do as global citizens because we are only creating a bad reputation for ourselves.

After this experience we didn’t want to go to the next location but the nurses talked us into it. The next person we visited was HIV positive, lived alone in a shack, and had horrible pressure sores and a colostomy bag. We walked into his shack and I noticed empty bottles of liquor in the corner which raised an alarm about the fact that alcohol counteracts the antiretroviral medication that he’s taking. So basically he’s contributing to his deteriorating health condition but I can’t blame him because I would drink my life away if that were me. The care givers and the man proceeded to unwrap bandages on his leg and butt. He took the bandages off and I saw the worst bed sores I’ve ever seen. There were areas on his butt that were just missing skin and it looked like he had horrible burns. I couldn’t ask him any questions or continue any further because the smell was horrible.

I left that man’s home unbelievably upset with the healthcare system in South Africa. Did I mention that these people are only checked on and changed every other day? I’ve been working with people with mental and physical disabilities for about three years and I can’t even imagine checking on them every other day. These people deserve and need constant care, whether it’s from a family member or nurse. It also upset me because I thought Guguletu had a great sense of community but if so many people are unemployed why aren’t they using their time to care for their community members (as harsh as that may sound). I didn’t find out until our last day that volunteering doesn’t really exist in their community because people are always expecting something in return for their time spent doing something. I guess this makes sense considering the fact that many families don’t have food to feed their children.

As I write this I realize I'm leaving a lot of things out and that the things I got really upset about were just immediate reactions, like Aaron had warned us about. I still have very strong feelings about the things I saw and when I re-read the things I wrote from these two days I still get really upset about these circumstances but I now accept that everything we saw was not to make us feel bad. It wasn’t to make us feel guilty. It wasn’t to make us feel shame or pity for those people that so graciously shared their stories with us. This has been the hardest and most challenging week of my entire life, but it was an eye opening experience that has helped me grow. I pray for these people and I’m much more grateful for the lifestyle that I have. I now accept that I am here to learn and not to change everyone’s lives and the political structure of South Africa. There will always be things out of my control that will bother me and this week has helped me accept this. 

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

Trying to Feed the World

Food parcel day. We began our day by unloading the truck and stacking the bags of sugar, beans, rice maize, etc. This was a lot of fun for me and we sang and joked while we did this. As we were doing this people started sitting around watching us waiting for their food parcel. I sat down with a man named Cornelius and had a very brief conversation with him. He told me he had two kids and his mother lived with them. The only things I could concentrate on while I was talking to him were the smell of his breath and his eyes. His breath took my breath away because it literally made me nauseas and it stuck with me all day. His eyes were filled with exhaustion and stress. I’ll come back to Cornelius later.

The distribution of food parcels finally began and the way the names of people receiving the parcels reminded me of graduation day and, sadly, people expressed the same joy that’s often shown on graduation day. Many of us were told we were angels, told “I love you,” and were given hugs. This struck me so much because these people were so grateful for the very little act that we did that day. I didn’t even buy the food. All I did was stack and carry it outside to cars or shopping carts for them. I broke down when the reverend announced to the people of Gugs that we were going to take a break to eat lunch because we were hungry. How could I go eat a huge meal that was prepared for me when there were still people waiting for food that haven’t eating in a day or two? And how could I eat when Cornelius’ breath was still lingering in my nose? I was so mad at myself for taking that break. My mood changed when I walked out of the church after lunch and Cornelius came up to me, gave me a hug, and said that I was a kind person and he hopes to see me in Guguletu again in the future. Again, I had a breakdown because I realized that the conversation I had with him meant something to him. Although I thought he didn’t open up to me much during our conversation, he truly appreciated my interest in him.

And now comes the most touching story I’ve heard and the reason I now believe in fate. Kwanele rode in our van while we did home drop-offs for the food parcels. He helped us unload food but we didn’t really engage in conversation with him. I decided to stay in the van during our last stop but Kelsey came out and told me to come in immediately. The house ended up being Kwanele’s house. His brother, who drinks all day, lives in a shack behind his house. Kwanele is in high school and lives alone because his dad passed away in 2005 and his mom passed away last month. He said that his dream is to attend UCT and he even had the undergrad catalog which he said he reads a lot to better understand what he needs to do to achieve his goal. I realized I still had the card from the founder of These Numbers Have Faces, the organization that helps pay for students’ tuitions. I gave him the card and told him he needed to contact this person. He smiled at me and said he would find a very safe place for it. We exchanged names in order to find each other on Facebook. I am determined to follow up with him and make sure he makes his dreams come true. Looking back on my week, this is the moment that sticks out the most because I was able to provide someone with a resource and glimpse of light. I felt so useless and hopeless the rest of the week because I know I can’t solve the world’s problems and there is nothing that I could do to fix the situations that many people were in. Kwanele provided me with my glimpse of light for the week.

My main take away from this day was resilience, especially in Kwanele. These people are faced with daily struggles but are still so hopeful and happy. I understand that this is how they were raised and this has become their culture but I’m convinced that resiliency is a part of their daily lives. 


Thanks for blogging,
Brittany