How do I make this all count?

I would like to focus on how these situations will affect me in my future, especially my near future. I haven’t given myself time to reflect on how I’ll be transitioning in these next few weeks and how I’m going to use the information I learned these last two weeks in my life. My biggest fear right now is forgetting.

I’m going to start by recapping with the day that I had the most trouble with because I’m still kind of struggling with it. The experience that stands out to me is the day we went on the hospice visits. Many emotions were brought up this day because of the people we met and circumstances that we saw. The feelings that stand out the most are anger and sadness. I wasn’t able to sort through these feelings on the day we went on the visits and I’m still not quite sure what my next move is with the information I was given that day. I know that I’ll be able to sort through these thoughts one day because I’ve already made progress in appreciating the value on presence instead of dwelling on intrusion. I finally came to the realization that we weren’t intruders in these peoples’ homes but instead we were welcomed guests that acted as a form of therapy.

Although I came to this realization, I’m still having a hard time processing the idea that many people are laying in their beds right now without the proper assistance they need for their conditions. It makes me so mad that the people I saw were only checked on every other day and they were at such a high rate of infection due to the homes they lived in. It makes me even more upset to think about this problem on a global level. How can I, as a caregiver, watch something like this happen without worrying about it? In the US I’d be able to report this to someone and it would be taken care of immediately. I know this is a different country and culture but someone still needs to be able to stand up for the rights and needs of the ill. It seems that there is no one here in charge of the lives being lost and very few people want to be held accountable for their own actions or the actions of others in regards to health. This is when I began to realize that I’m having a really hard time struggling with the transition from Guguletu to Observatory. Although I was looking forward to coming back to Observatory, I don’t know how to make this transition.

My current struggle is trying to figure out how to transition from my life in Guguletu to my life in observatory and how to transition next week back to my American life. As we went on the wine tasting tours on Saturday, I couldn’t focus on the history being thrown at me during our final tour. To me, this information was tedious and unnecessary after the week I had just encountered. I won’t remember the facts that were being thrown at me or the layout of the buildings but I will always remember the layout of the houses I entered in Guguletu and the stories shared with me. I became really frustrated with myself because I have to realize that not many things may seem as important as what I had seen in the townships but I still need to be present in what is happening around me. The things I saw were extremely devastating and I hope I’m only lucky enough to never experience those things in my personal life. I’m also facing the fear of losing touch with the experiences I had in Guguletu. Although I had many moments where I had emotional break-downs and wanted to lock myself in a room alone, I want to hold onto those moments because I feel that those moments were the times I grew the most by pushing through.

This internal struggle was heightened when we tried to enjoy a night out. All I could think about were the superficial things that I was doing, such as putting on make-up, doing my hair, and wearing a dress, while there are still people in Guguletu who aren’t eating and whose homes are being flooded during rainy days and nights. Did the people preparing my meal at the lodge have food for their own family? What were the living conditions of the street vendor that I bought a hot dog from later in the night? The part I’m having the hardest time with is figuring out how I’m going to explain the things I saw and my reactions to my friends and family. I’m afraid that they won’t understand and that because of that I may distance myself from them. I know that I have 15 people who shared this experience with me to talk to about any questions or worries I have but I also want to be able to communicate these worries with ones that are close to me.

I hope I never forget the things I witnessed in Guguletu. I hope these experiences truly impact my life in a long-lasting way. But I hope the relationships that I left at home aren’t damaged because I’m unable to readjust to my life. I need to be very conscious of my efforts to readapt to America but I hope others are also patient about my shift between cultures.

Thanks for blogging,
Brittany