How do I make this all count?

I would like to focus on how these situations will affect me in my future, especially my near future. I haven’t given myself time to reflect on how I’ll be transitioning in these next few weeks and how I’m going to use the information I learned these last two weeks in my life. My biggest fear right now is forgetting.

I’m going to start by recapping with the day that I had the most trouble with because I’m still kind of struggling with it. The experience that stands out to me is the day we went on the hospice visits. Many emotions were brought up this day because of the people we met and circumstances that we saw. The feelings that stand out the most are anger and sadness. I wasn’t able to sort through these feelings on the day we went on the visits and I’m still not quite sure what my next move is with the information I was given that day. I know that I’ll be able to sort through these thoughts one day because I’ve already made progress in appreciating the value on presence instead of dwelling on intrusion. I finally came to the realization that we weren’t intruders in these peoples’ homes but instead we were welcomed guests that acted as a form of therapy.

Although I came to this realization, I’m still having a hard time processing the idea that many people are laying in their beds right now without the proper assistance they need for their conditions. It makes me so mad that the people I saw were only checked on every other day and they were at such a high rate of infection due to the homes they lived in. It makes me even more upset to think about this problem on a global level. How can I, as a caregiver, watch something like this happen without worrying about it? In the US I’d be able to report this to someone and it would be taken care of immediately. I know this is a different country and culture but someone still needs to be able to stand up for the rights and needs of the ill. It seems that there is no one here in charge of the lives being lost and very few people want to be held accountable for their own actions or the actions of others in regards to health. This is when I began to realize that I’m having a really hard time struggling with the transition from Guguletu to Observatory. Although I was looking forward to coming back to Observatory, I don’t know how to make this transition.

My current struggle is trying to figure out how to transition from my life in Guguletu to my life in observatory and how to transition next week back to my American life. As we went on the wine tasting tours on Saturday, I couldn’t focus on the history being thrown at me during our final tour. To me, this information was tedious and unnecessary after the week I had just encountered. I won’t remember the facts that were being thrown at me or the layout of the buildings but I will always remember the layout of the houses I entered in Guguletu and the stories shared with me. I became really frustrated with myself because I have to realize that not many things may seem as important as what I had seen in the townships but I still need to be present in what is happening around me. The things I saw were extremely devastating and I hope I’m only lucky enough to never experience those things in my personal life. I’m also facing the fear of losing touch with the experiences I had in Guguletu. Although I had many moments where I had emotional break-downs and wanted to lock myself in a room alone, I want to hold onto those moments because I feel that those moments were the times I grew the most by pushing through.

This internal struggle was heightened when we tried to enjoy a night out. All I could think about were the superficial things that I was doing, such as putting on make-up, doing my hair, and wearing a dress, while there are still people in Guguletu who aren’t eating and whose homes are being flooded during rainy days and nights. Did the people preparing my meal at the lodge have food for their own family? What were the living conditions of the street vendor that I bought a hot dog from later in the night? The part I’m having the hardest time with is figuring out how I’m going to explain the things I saw and my reactions to my friends and family. I’m afraid that they won’t understand and that because of that I may distance myself from them. I know that I have 15 people who shared this experience with me to talk to about any questions or worries I have but I also want to be able to communicate these worries with ones that are close to me.

I hope I never forget the things I witnessed in Guguletu. I hope these experiences truly impact my life in a long-lasting way. But I hope the relationships that I left at home aren’t damaged because I’m unable to readjust to my life. I need to be very conscious of my efforts to readapt to America but I hope others are also patient about my shift between cultures.

Thanks for blogging,
Brittany

School of Hope

Today was a good way to end the week. We went to Thembalethu School for Children with Special Needs. This was a very uplifting experience because the children were all so happy and the people working there were all so excited about bettering the lives of these children. It was something I really needed to see after the week that I had. I have seriously been considering relocating and continuing my graduate education in South Africa. The opportunities that have been shown to me here appear to be so rewarding.

We ended our visit with the school’s choir performing for us. If I saw any glimpse of hope during this last week it was in these kids. It’s kind of ironic that thembalethu is the Xhosa word for hope. The kids had amazing voices and began dancing during their performance, even the kids in the wheelchairs were dancing! I had a permanent smile on my face during their performance. Aside from all of the other things I’ve seen this week, this school was very well kept and they even had the tools they needed to provide the best care and help for the children.

Leaving Gugs left me with a bittersweet feeling. I was so excited to leave the tragedy and sorrow that I felt in that community but I was also very sad that I was leaving because I felt like I was abandoning the problems presented to me. I will miss the people that we met, especially my host mama and sisi, but I’m happy to be back to a place that won’t constantly remind me that I’m more privileged than a lot of people here. I will forever think of Guguletu and be appreciative of my time there.

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

Presence

Are you ready for a novel and to see a variety of emotions? I’ll briefly begin with Wednesday. We did some home visits. All 16+ of us would pile into these tiny houses and listen to the stories of people who are victims of HIV, poverty, and apartheid. Many people, including myself, struggled with a feeling of intrusion and lack of privacy. In one situation, we went into a hostile that was the size of 2 queen sized beds. I felt like I was going to a zoo and occasionally asking people questions. These people were literally on exhibit for us. These feelings were contradictory with the messages that we got from people in Gugs because they told us that our presence and ears were extremely valued by the people we met. This was a really hard struggle for me to put on the South African lens and leave behind my cultural norms.

Now Thursday. We did hospice visits and this was by far the most challenging day for me all week for numerous reasons. The first house we went to was actually a shack and there was an HIV positive woman that was bed ridden. She proceeded to tell us that she is tired of white tourists coming into her home, taking pictures of her, and making promises that they don’t follow through with. This instilled the thoughts that I had on Wednesday. This woman couldn’t move her body and her eyes were bulging out of her face like a Holocaust victim. I couldn’t be mad at this woman because of her condition so instead I placed my frustration on Aaron. I was hoping he’d be outside of the shack and that I’d be able to just scream at him. I didn’t know what to do with that experience and I didn’t understand at that time how it benefited my learning experiences. Why would this woman allow us to come into her house if she didn’t feel comfortable with us being there? I now have many perspectives on why this woman may have said the things she did. She could have just been having a horrible day and misplaced her anger on us like I wanted to misplace my anger on Aaron. She also could have just wanted to share her perspective with us to give us another view of what happens in the townships. I now understand that this woman probably didn’t mean to personally attack us or make us feel bad but rather she wanted to vent to us and inform us about her situation. Anger also came from this situation because I got really mad at all the Americans that have every travelled to areas like Guguletu and have made false promises to the people of these places. This is the one thing that we shouldn’t do as global citizens because we are only creating a bad reputation for ourselves.

After this experience we didn’t want to go to the next location but the nurses talked us into it. The next person we visited was HIV positive, lived alone in a shack, and had horrible pressure sores and a colostomy bag. We walked into his shack and I noticed empty bottles of liquor in the corner which raised an alarm about the fact that alcohol counteracts the antiretroviral medication that he’s taking. So basically he’s contributing to his deteriorating health condition but I can’t blame him because I would drink my life away if that were me. The care givers and the man proceeded to unwrap bandages on his leg and butt. He took the bandages off and I saw the worst bed sores I’ve ever seen. There were areas on his butt that were just missing skin and it looked like he had horrible burns. I couldn’t ask him any questions or continue any further because the smell was horrible.

I left that man’s home unbelievably upset with the healthcare system in South Africa. Did I mention that these people are only checked on and changed every other day? I’ve been working with people with mental and physical disabilities for about three years and I can’t even imagine checking on them every other day. These people deserve and need constant care, whether it’s from a family member or nurse. It also upset me because I thought Guguletu had a great sense of community but if so many people are unemployed why aren’t they using their time to care for their community members (as harsh as that may sound). I didn’t find out until our last day that volunteering doesn’t really exist in their community because people are always expecting something in return for their time spent doing something. I guess this makes sense considering the fact that many families don’t have food to feed their children.

As I write this I realize I'm leaving a lot of things out and that the things I got really upset about were just immediate reactions, like Aaron had warned us about. I still have very strong feelings about the things I saw and when I re-read the things I wrote from these two days I still get really upset about these circumstances but I now accept that everything we saw was not to make us feel bad. It wasn’t to make us feel guilty. It wasn’t to make us feel shame or pity for those people that so graciously shared their stories with us. This has been the hardest and most challenging week of my entire life, but it was an eye opening experience that has helped me grow. I pray for these people and I’m much more grateful for the lifestyle that I have. I now accept that I am here to learn and not to change everyone’s lives and the political structure of South Africa. There will always be things out of my control that will bother me and this week has helped me accept this. 

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

Trying to Feed the World

Food parcel day. We began our day by unloading the truck and stacking the bags of sugar, beans, rice maize, etc. This was a lot of fun for me and we sang and joked while we did this. As we were doing this people started sitting around watching us waiting for their food parcel. I sat down with a man named Cornelius and had a very brief conversation with him. He told me he had two kids and his mother lived with them. The only things I could concentrate on while I was talking to him were the smell of his breath and his eyes. His breath took my breath away because it literally made me nauseas and it stuck with me all day. His eyes were filled with exhaustion and stress. I’ll come back to Cornelius later.

The distribution of food parcels finally began and the way the names of people receiving the parcels reminded me of graduation day and, sadly, people expressed the same joy that’s often shown on graduation day. Many of us were told we were angels, told “I love you,” and were given hugs. This struck me so much because these people were so grateful for the very little act that we did that day. I didn’t even buy the food. All I did was stack and carry it outside to cars or shopping carts for them. I broke down when the reverend announced to the people of Gugs that we were going to take a break to eat lunch because we were hungry. How could I go eat a huge meal that was prepared for me when there were still people waiting for food that haven’t eating in a day or two? And how could I eat when Cornelius’ breath was still lingering in my nose? I was so mad at myself for taking that break. My mood changed when I walked out of the church after lunch and Cornelius came up to me, gave me a hug, and said that I was a kind person and he hopes to see me in Guguletu again in the future. Again, I had a breakdown because I realized that the conversation I had with him meant something to him. Although I thought he didn’t open up to me much during our conversation, he truly appreciated my interest in him.

And now comes the most touching story I’ve heard and the reason I now believe in fate. Kwanele rode in our van while we did home drop-offs for the food parcels. He helped us unload food but we didn’t really engage in conversation with him. I decided to stay in the van during our last stop but Kelsey came out and told me to come in immediately. The house ended up being Kwanele’s house. His brother, who drinks all day, lives in a shack behind his house. Kwanele is in high school and lives alone because his dad passed away in 2005 and his mom passed away last month. He said that his dream is to attend UCT and he even had the undergrad catalog which he said he reads a lot to better understand what he needs to do to achieve his goal. I realized I still had the card from the founder of These Numbers Have Faces, the organization that helps pay for students’ tuitions. I gave him the card and told him he needed to contact this person. He smiled at me and said he would find a very safe place for it. We exchanged names in order to find each other on Facebook. I am determined to follow up with him and make sure he makes his dreams come true. Looking back on my week, this is the moment that sticks out the most because I was able to provide someone with a resource and glimpse of light. I felt so useless and hopeless the rest of the week because I know I can’t solve the world’s problems and there is nothing that I could do to fix the situations that many people were in. Kwanele provided me with my glimpse of light for the week.

My main take away from this day was resilience, especially in Kwanele. These people are faced with daily struggles but are still so hopeful and happy. I understand that this is how they were raised and this has become their culture but I’m convinced that resiliency is a part of their daily lives. 


Thanks for blogging,
Brittany

AIDS Man

Sex. Why is this word and act thrown around so casually? I’m not trying to preach about saving sex for marriage but why do people, especially young adults and teens, feel sex is a liberating act? Many serious consequences come from sex including HIV, STI’s, pregnancy (which can lead to poverty for many teens), and mental health issues. How do we begin educating you on valuing sex again without sounding like we’re forcing religious views onto people while also educating them on being safe if they decide to have sex?

These thoughts all came after speaking with Lumkile, “AIDS Man”, from the Treatment Action Campaign. He told us to call him AIDS Man because he has no shame in having AIDS and then he shared is story with us. He was tested three different times for HIV and all three times he tested positive but he didn’t believe it until the third time. He figured that he didn’t feel sick so he couldn’t be sick. After the third test he started placing blame on all the women he’d had sex with but quickly realized he could only blame himself because HE got himself drunk and HE didn’t use a condom. He also went through a phase for six months where he locked himself in his apartment and just watched movies because he figured he was going to die soon. He realized he had to accept himself and that he didn’t have to die. His mission now is to convince people who are HIV positive that they don’t have to die and they can in fact live a fulfilling life with HIV.

Lumkile also pointed out that gender based violence is a huge issue. Police will question women to try to shift the blame on the victims of rape with questions like, “Why are you walking around so late? Why are you wearing that outfit?” Rape cases also take a long time for cases to go to Congress. Some cases last up to six years and are delayed up to thirty times. I think this was a great example of the progress that still needs to be taken towards gender quality. Why should a woman be questioned about her behaviors or appearance after she reports rape? I couldn’t help but being in the shoes of one of these women because I would just give up. I would be so hurt that because of my gender it would be assumed that I would be questioned for asking to be raped.

Our night ended by meeting people from the organization These Numbers Have Faces. This organization helps pay for students’ tuition fees at universities but in return they have to do this for their community. This was very inspirational because it was good to hear that these students are not only able to get an education but they are also learning how to give back to their community. This was an encouraging way to end our day! 
And I’m looking forward to food parcels tomorrow!


Thanks for blogging,
Brittany

Hello Gugs!

My first day in Guguletu was a day of mixed emotions. I started out feeling scared as we drove by shacks with tin roofs that had rocks on the roofs to keep them from flying off. Houses had bars on windows and doors for protection from unwanted visitors. Our driver didn’t help my nerves by telling us that he never comes to Gugs and warned us not to try to be brave Americans by walking around drawing attention to ourselves. He specifically said not to even think of leaving the house after dark. I’m sure you can imagine where my fear was coming from hearing this from someone who lives near Gugs. I was also very nervous because everywhere we drove people were staring at us through the windows. We weren’t even out in public yet and we were drawing attention to ourselves.

Then, we arrived at the JL Zwane Center. We attended a church service there and I felt very awkward walking in there because were the ONLY white people and Xhosa was the primary language being spoken (I think they only spoke English because we were there). My nerves quickly settled when I realized how warm and welcoming everyone at the JL Zwane Church is. We received so many smiles, hand-shakes, and hugs, which was very reassuring. The service began with the reverend talking about being able to go to your neighbor’s house to borrow sugar. The girl next to me asked if we did that in the US and I said not really, at least not at my house because we just go to the store. I began wondering why my mom, or myself, doesn’t go to our neighbor more often. I then began thinking about the value of community. It was very obvious during the service that community is a large part of life in Gugs. Everyone was talking, singing, and dancing during the service I’m becoming convinced that the US values independence more than community.

I couldn’t tell if it was the fact that the congregation was able to all be together at the same time or if it was their faith that brought pure happiness to them during the service. All of the women were singing at the top of their voices and pulling us into the aisles to dance with them as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Obviously they have many concerns such as poverty, HIV, TB, violence, rape, etc. At this point my emotions changed from worried to comfort because I knew if these people could be happy, I could be too. My eyes began watering after 5 minutes of the service just watching the joy of the congregation. After mass we talked to some local youth and this revealed a lot about the similarities between us. They attend school, love partying and shopping, and want to move out of their parents’ homes soon! This also brought me back down to earth because I remembered that, even though they face different struggles than I do, we’re all just young adults.

My last and final stop of the day was Thotho’s house, my host mom. I walked in and was instantly greeted. She gave me the biggest hug I’ve had in a while and I instantly felt safe and extremely grateful. I also met Sinazo, Thotho’s 14 year old granddaughter, who lives with Thotho. In Xhosa, Sinazo means having everything, the perfect name for this BEAUTIFUL young woman. I later found out that she lives with her grandmother because her parents work in Port Elizabeth and she didn’t want to leave Guguletu. Sinazo is just like any other teenager that enjoys dancing, singing, fashion, and soap operas!

I didn’t think that I would be able to sleep at all this week because I’d be too scared and on edge but thanks to Thotho I no longer feel that way. The kind hearts of everyone here and the value of community made me feel right at home. I was happy to see, and I’m sure my mom will be glad to know, that Thotho’s house had gates over the windows and doors like most houses in Cape Town and she does live in a house, not a shack. She has running water along with electricity. Her house is quite nice actually. 

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany

Time for Reflection

In the last few days I’ve been exposed to “The Tale of Two Cities.” As we drive through Cape Town, we have seen instances where there will be million rand houses on one side of the street and tin shacks on the other side of the narrow street. The houses look nice and most of them have gates guarding their doors along with armed response signs.  Many shacks consist of tin roofs and are not equipped with any sort of security measure. These are clearly contrasting qualities of life and it’s astonishing that it occurs within such a small space.

The thing I’m struggling with the most is how the people that live in the houses can live with themselves without feeling like complete jerks. In the US, trailer courts are often in a secluded section of a city or town. I always thought this was because trailer courts were thought to be shameful and the city wanted to hide them. But, I began wondering the other day if it was actually for a different reason. Both of my reasons are probably completely wrong, but maybe trailer courts are secluded because people in houses felt pity on those in the trailer court and didn’t want to flaunt their lifestyles. The problem with secluding townships though is that they wouldn’t be secluded, but rather the houses would be secluded because they appear to be outnumbered. I can’t make sense of how such a tragic life can exist in such a beautiful. I guess the phrase a beautiful mess is a good description of the lives of many in South Africa.

After listening to Alison describe her experience in townships and her goal of getting abused children out of townships really made me question why any families stay there. I understand that there are financial and discriminatory reasons like District 6 for townships existing but then why are there houses in townships? If families are able to afford a house why wouldn’t they move out of the township? My goal for the homestay is to get a better grasp on the values of community because a loyalty to community is the only reason I can think of right now for families to remain townships. Does a commitment to family and your community mean that you have to risk your health and safety in order to be near the ones you care about? Understanding “The Tale of Two Cities” may be my toughest challenge while being here but I hope I get better insight.

Also, this is a struggle for me to wrap my head around because I think to myself that it would be so easy to break this vicious cycle if only people could be as courageous as Alison. But, possibly the people of the townships think that if they were to leave the township the violence and health issues would follow them, so what’s the point in leaving. I was just about to suggest that education could be a solution but then I realized there would also need to be a large job demand. Although I want to have a deeper understanding for the socioeconomic structure of South Africa, I know that I won’t be able to even begin to think of solutions because this is clearly one of the greatest adaptive challenges that I’ve observed. I hope next week will shed some like on this tragic issue by speaking to people of Guguletu and JL Zwane but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully comprehend it.

Thanks for blogging,

Brittany